This one was my favorite. I made Dad put it on repeat even before it was finished. I sang along to the demo in the car and at 9 years old I would ask him who his Angel was. I think I got a different answer each time. Dad would always sit me down in his studio chair in the office he had at the back of our little house and give me his journal to read all the song lyrics and played the songs for me. I would ask him who they were about and what they meant. Sometimes I would get a sideways answer and sometimes it was just obvious, even to a little girl. I only remember certain parts of my childhood  because of his songs…I can track parts of my life through his c.d.s.

The Desperation Angel

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Out of all of Dad’s songs, this was Papa’s favorite. He blasted in the car on repeat with the windows down. He was the only person who didn’t hate the fact that I would put songs on repeat for days. If he was feeling particularly feisty he would sing along, with all the theatrics in the world. Once, he was playing it and we pulled up to a stop light. The car next to us was blaring a rap song, so Papa turned up Velvet Dreams even louder. Then the rap got louder. Then Velvet Dreams got louder until they were both on full blast and you couldn’t hear Nana yelling over the music.

Velvet Dreams

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Summer 2007. Nana bought JT and I matching winter gear. And we drank coco locos. Alex and I had just started dating…he took this picture.

November 2007. Goofing off to pass the time at the girl’s cheerleading competition. Alex and I were running late, so I wore my nightgown. We had breakfast at a gas station on the way. One of the few times since we were little that I’ve seen JT laugh that hard. Alex was mortified.

December, 2006. Meeting my brother at the mall to exchange gifts. I got lost. We were really happy.

March 2007. My mother. She never told me how hard it was for her when I was away until I called her to tell her I was coming home.

October 2007. Alex’s 21st birthday weekend. Right around the time I realized everything would be alright.

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Alex: “I think I’m falling in love with you…”

Jamie: “Is that a bad thing?”

Alex: “It means I have another person to worry about and take care of. I don’t like it.”

I turned around and looked at him and laughed out loud when I saw the grin on his face.

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I found a little piece of paper this morning when I was sorting through a huge stack of mail and bills and random stuff that needed to be filed. It’s just a tiny little piece of paper, thin and yellowed. There’s tape on the top and bottom from when someone had it up on the wall 21 years ago…where they would see it every day. I assume my mom is the one who put the pink monogram sticker at the top. It was typed on a typewriter and and the creases are deep from being folded in secret for so many years after someone didn’t want it on the wall anymore.

It’s the first song my dad wrote for me when I was born.

Through It All 3/22/88

Good morning little Jamie Marie,

Your eyes seemed a little different

when they first looked at me.

I’ve noticed the way you move through the air,

You fly a little like you’re on a high wire…

Come and chase me if you dare.

Are you dreaming troubled dreams in your head?

You’ve come into a troubled world,

I’ll keep you safe in your bed.

Good morning is such an easy thing to say,

I know it seems a little different

Just to survive another day.

But sometimes we lose our touch,

and simple things we fail…

But through it all you’re a part of me

And through it all I’m always there,

But through it all you’re a part of me,

and through it all I’ll always care.

Good morning little Jamie Marie,

Your eyes seemed a little brighter

when they first looked at me.

Love, Daddy

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When I was little my dad found this song and played it for me in the Taco Bell drive thru. He said “this is your song…listen to the lyrics.” And then he broke down every last word and lyrical meaning on the way home.

A couple years later I went into a desperate little frenzy to hear it and literally tore apart our living room trying to find the cd…I went through thousands of them but never found it.

So dad burned me a copy when he was done gallivanting around Europe.

And this is my song.

“32 Flavors” Ani Difranco

squint your eyes and look closer

I’m not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

and I’m beyond your peripheral vision

so you might want to turn your head

cause someday you’re going to get hungry

and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will

and I have done well by their names

just the kindness I’ve lavished on strangers

is more than I can explain

still there’s many who’ve turned out their porch lights

just so I would think they were not home

and hid in the dark of their windows

til I’d passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl

course too pretty is also your doom

cause everyone harbors a secret hatred

for the prettiest girl in the room

and god help you if you are a pheonix

and you dare to rise up from the ash

a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy

while you are just flying back

I’m not trying to give my life meaning

by demeaning you

and I would like to state for the record

I did everything that I could do

I’m not saying that I’m a saint

I just don’t want to live that way

no, I will never be a saint

but I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer

I’m not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I’m beyond your peripheral vision

So you might want to turn your head

Cause someday you might find you’re starving

and eating all of the words you said

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Back when husband was still my boyfriend, I went to his house to bake a cake for my mom and uncle mike’s birhday. I slaved in the kitchen while we blasted the stereo and opened all the windows. It was a marvelous cake. It was everything that I wanted it to be.

It was perfect.

This is when I suppose boyfriend noticed he might have actually fallen for a hippie girl. He called me a ‘liberal hippie psycho path’ but he was laughing and his eyes were laughing and his whole entire body was laughing.

Still…I wasn’t going to let him just get away with it. So I threw peanut butter at him. And he tried to throw it at me. We chased each other around the house, jumping over furniture, covered in peanut butter, until that smart boyfriend of mine conceded defeat.

And so ends the tale of the Great Battle of the Peanut Butter and the epic defeat of my dearly beloved.

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…I will hold you close if you are afraid of heights…

If Alex and I had a soundtrack, more than half of it would be Incubus. We sang it to each other every single day our first summer together in the car on the way to the beach, on the way to the greenery, at the house, twirling around until 5 am (even though I got in trouble for it every time) and the night we adopted our pet woodchuck.

We sang it to each to each other while we dug a fish pond and named our kois and played cards and had peanut butter fights and when I was sick and needed to be taken care of. We spent our summer in reckless abandon with Incubus playing in the background.

And it was playing in the car when he dropped me off in Tallahassee and it played during all our weekends together. He sang it to me while he scratched my back and I sang it to him while I made pancakes.

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