Brigsby,

Every single day, at least once, I’m completely overwhelmed by how much I already love you, how much I need you. And however overwhelming I thought it was today, it will be twice as strong tomorrow and whatever it was I was feeling today will look like a fleeting fancy, a passing thought, completely inconsequential. But in the back of mind where all of the nightmares come from, there is a fear that hangs on to every happy thing that has spilled out of my mind since I knew you were there. In this dark place, there is an uncompromising, haunting fear that you will reject me…that when they hand you to me for the first time you will look at me and not want me and beg, beg, to be put into someone else’s arms, anyone’s but mine. That you will scream at the thought of being near me. That you will look into my eyes and say ‘no, I don’t you, you aren’t what I was expecting. You can go away now, thank you.’ I am terrified that you wont need me or recognize me and you will spend your entire life searching for someone to be the mother you wish you had. There is a dark fear in the back of my mind that I won’t be enough, will never be enough for you, and for all my efforts will somehow irreparably damage you, and for that I know you would never forgive me. I want to lay the world at your feet but I fear you will not want it, not if it came from me. I fear above all else a life where you do not love me. And I will never speak of it again.

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Brigsby,

Last night your daddy taught me how to cook stir fry. We watched a movie with dutch subtitles and a documentary on origami. We had a photo shoot. I had a sip of your daddy’s wine and it made my eyes burn and cry and your daddy laughed. The four of us curled up on the couch, put the ipod on shuffle and we just listened. Your daddy played a political Irish song and leaned against the kitchen counter wishing I would pay attention. We yelled at JT and Amanda from across the street. We made lots of references to the King of England.

Welcome to what very soon will be your life.

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Brigsby,

This is the world I am promising you: Lots of time spent at puppy stores. Lots of time spent playing with lizards and mud and running though the woods playing hide and seek or what have you. Lots of time spent in secret forts that will stay up for days and days and days. Lots of time spent trying to grow vegetables and letting you sit up on the kitchen counter helping me cook. Lots of time spent exploring, dressed up like pirates and knights and jedis if you’re so inclined. Lots of time spent treasure hunting at flea markets and thrift stores, dressing up in hideous outfits and taking pictures. Lots of time spent at the beach building sand castles and skim boarding with your daddy. Lots of time outside playing football or soccer or whatever it is your heart desires. Lots of time learning magic tricks and making up stories and coming up with science experiments. Lots of time discussing our dreams every morning while I write them all in a book for you and maybe you’ll even want to draw pictures. Lots of time traveling to show you the world, show you snow, show you a place where all the leaves turn colors and the temperature changes. Lots of time building tree houses and making up secret handshakes and secret languages. Lots of time in a homemade tire swing that serves three functions. Lots of time with Stella and Corona who will adore you and protect you and kiss you and chase you. Lots of time riding our bikes and hiking up mountains. Lots of time spent at carnivals and fairs and circuses galore. Lots of time spent in a make believe world, acting on whims and impulses and making home movies. Lots of time snuggled up on the couch on rainy days and time spent dancing in puddles that go up past your knees (but dad will have to buy us rain boots first). Lots of time building bird houses and other such things and maybe even sewing our own clothes. Lots of time at concerts and grandpa’s gigs and orchestras and broadway. Lots of time spent fishing and swimming and picking sharks teeth out of the sand.

But I’ll spend the most time loving you, I promise, I promise, I promise.

- Your Momma

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Sweet Baby,

I want you to know this, keep this tucked inside your heart, for the rest of your life. There is such a thing as True Love. I don’t mean true love…you will truly, purely, unconditionally love countless people in your lifetime. Some people will live their lives never knowing the difference, never knowing True Love. You will inevitably develop preconceived notions of love and happiness from the world around you…but I need you to know that there is more. When you find True Love…your soul mate…they will unlock the Pandora’s Box hidden so deeply inside your heart and mind that you never knew it existed until that moment. Everything you ever held true about love…about life…about happiness…about the world…will change so violently, so beautifully, inside a single second that everything, everything leading up to that moment will cease to exist. When that person finds you, you will break away into a world of your own creation, so private, so secret, that no one else can ever find you there. In this little world of your deepest desires there are no preconceived notions, no timelines, no standards. Your love will spring from chaos, from spontaneity, from a primal fire that could only burn inside your matching hearts. Not everyone will find True Love. Some will live 100 blind years refusing to see it, 100 years lived in fear of sacrifice. But when it finds you, let it consume you, let it take all of you. Give everything, your soul, your mind, your heart to the fire and never, never think twice. Never think of what another living soul might think. Live your life with your True Love the way you were meant to and the world will keep spinning and the stars will still fall. That I promise you.

I love you

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We saw you yesterday. And you backflipped and reached for your toes and stretched and showed us the palms of your little hands. We counted your 10 perfect fingers and your 10 perfect toes…and then you waved. I want to apologize if this Complete Placenta Previa mess is my fault. I’m sorry. I’m so incredibly sorry. But you know what? It’s okay. It’s going to be just fine wether it corrects itself or not. You’re going to be fine. I won’t let anything happen to you.

You have my word.

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Sweet Baby,

You are everything thing I think about every single second. I channel every last thought to you wondering if you can hear me and if even now, you know me. I want to prove to you that wonder still exists in the world and I promise you we will seek out magic from the furthest darkest corners of the earth. I will show you what it is to love wholly and without fear. We will treasure hunt at flea markets and have picnics under a red summer sun and we will have pancakes for dinner and spaghetti for breakfast, if that’s what you want. We will grow flowers and vegetables and swim in lakes and fish in ditches and count stars. We will build forts at midnight and tell ghost stories in tree houses. I will hold your hand while we go on as many adventures as the hours in the day will allow. We will spend happy days at the Dinosaur park and find labyrinths and go to the zoo and go on road trips and sing each other songs and stop at little diners and take polaroid pictures of magic moments. We will dance in the sun dressed up in our cowboy boots and clothes I sewed just for you. We will watch the Pink Panther together cuddled on the couch and learn new languages. I will kidnap you from school every so often and we will steal special days together. We will grow and carve our own pumpkins for Halloween and make ghosts out of lollipops. I will give you snow on Christmas, I swear it. We will trap leprechauns in March and the tooth fairy will never forget you. I will help  you find the magic in holidays. Every day will belong to you and you alone. I will let your dress yourself and pick your hair cuts and I will show off to the world. Your grandpa will sing you sweet songs while we dance backstage. We will snorkel in a secret cove in the keys and spend days upon days on the boat. I will show the wonders of the world if it takes me my whole life. We will ride horses and go camping and build sand castles. I will teach you magic tricks and make you a tire swing. I will carve your name into trees and walls and cement so that in 100 years the world will still know your name. Peacocks and puppies will always protect you at the Forever House. We will build you secret rooms behind hidden wardrobes. I will sneak notes into your pocket while you’re at school. I will never leave your side. Not ever. I will give you the world, the stars, the moon, and the sky. From the very beginning they were meant for you.

I love you.

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