you are my sunshine…
my only sunshine…
you make me happy
when
skies
are
grey…
we’re weening the pacifier. you eat graham crackers and ritz crackers and honey nut cheerios. you give kisses when you damn well want to, and not a second sooner. you are scared of the juicer. you’re a champion stander. you can get on and off the couch by yourself. every single day you make me and break me.
there are still nights every once in a while when you wake up abruptly and the only thing you want to do is be held in your chair. Hour after hour, just staring at my face, your hand wrapped around mine, your duckie held tightly in the other. You don’t want to sleep, to move. Just to sit there in my lap with the sound of waves in the background and the fan blowing my hair across your face, backlit by the nightlight casting shadows on the walls.
“Nothing gets so bad,
A whisper from your father couldn’t fix it.
Your whisper’s like a bridge, he’s a river span…”
I’m still stunned by you, still completely knocked off my feet when I look at you…45 weeks later.
yesterday we were playing in the living room, on the floor by the coffee table. I got up and walked to the kitchen, just a few steps, just a few seconds. And when I looked back over my shoulder, you had pulled yourself up onto the couch…you were sitting in your daddy’s spot, holding onto your toes, laughing like mad…so obviously pleased with yourself for what you had accomplished. And that’s when I realized how quickly I was losing my baby…that, really….you’re hardly a baby at all anymore.
you’ve got teeth. you know how to give kisses. you’re getting a lot braver about standing on your own. you now have 3 pairs of toddler shoes. you copy my dance moves. you intently watch tae kwon do on yo gabba gabba. your crush on mikaela has gotten even bigger. you lick stella. you try to eat as much paper as you can, every chance you get. you’ve made getting into your car seat a 15 minute wrestling match and have boycotted diaper changes all together. you make your way over to me and rest your head in my lap. and I’m proud of you for all of these things.
but you have exactly 2 weeks to learn to walk before you go trick or treating.
and damnitt, I want candy.
I’ll never tell you I love you this much or this big. Never to the stars, to the moon, to the sun. only that I love you infinitely, forever. a love that can’t be measured, fathomed, comprehended. a love that exists outside of our bodies, that will last until we are no longer here. it will never stop growing, it will never stop being. a love bigger than the stars, bigger than the moon, bigger than the sun… further than I can stretch my arms….more than I can ever tell you.
23 pounds, 31 inches.
I’ve spawned a beast.
sometimes people think he’s a slightly handicapped 2 year old.
and they make that face and talk real slow and real loud at him.
they’re always really embarrassed when they ask how old he is.
there was the day you first smiled at me, the day you first wrapped your tiny hands around my finger. the day you reached for me, the day you fell asleep in my arms, face against my neck, the day you said mama. but the day I hugged you and you hugged me back…that was the day to end all days.
“He hit the ground running,
At the speed of light
The star was brightly shining,
Like a neon light.
It’s your favorite son…
It’s your favorite son.”
in the infinite depths of your innocent heart you’ve learned to love and after every fear I’ve ever had…you love me. you smile when I walk in the room, chubby arms reaching for me, begging to be held close. you rest your hand on my cheek and trace the outline of my face, you whimper when I leave the room. I want you to know that with every passing second I forget what it was like, to fear your rejection…I need you every bit as much as you need me.
