remember that time a long time ago where just the simple thought of you terrified me?

me neither.

you make everything better.

Posted in Rexley No comments

you weigh 12 pounds, 12 ounces

you are 25 inches long

you’ve got this face you make where you look so worried.

I’ll look at you and you’re smiling.

I’ll look away, just for a second.

And when my eyes make their way back over to you, your whole face is contorted with this unfathomable worry, wrinkles cover your forehead, your perfect little mouth turns down at the corners…your eyes, they take on this depth that always take me by surprise, makes me feel like the ground has dropped out from beneath me.

and you look so old all of a sudden, like you know too much, like you’ve seen too much. and I always think…I think, “oh no, no, I haven’t had enough time with you yet, I haven’t taught you yet…I haven’t showed you how to tread those waters, how to survive in this reality, to see and know and feel and hear without becoming jaded. you poor, poor thing.”

I’ll take that worry from your face and we’ll never look back.

Posted in Rexley 4 Comments

this is the week where I promise to protect you from the wolves in sheep’s clothing, where I tell you that there are people in this world who are truly terrible, manipulative, calculating….jealous and bitter and rotten. I’m not going to subject you to that. I won’t let those damaging fingers work their way into your head, leave bruises on your childhood that you’ll never forget. I won’t let those people taint you, and I’ll be damned if I ever let them hurt you…emotionally, physically, or otherwise.

I don’t ever want to watch you cry and have to explain to you why the people who are supposed to love you can be so intrinsically cruel.

I don’t ever want you to feel the guilt they leave behind. even if I desperately tried to bail those waters, they’ll sink your boat and you’ll go down fast.

I don’t ever want to lay awake at night wondering how deep the emotional scars are going to be, how severely they’ve warped and damaged you, how much of your innocence they’ve exploited and destroyed.

but as long as I’m your mother…they’ll never get the chance.

Posted in Rexley 2 Comments

this is the week where I held you in my arms, thinking very long and very hard about The Great Thing that’s been sitting heavy in my thoughts for a very long time. Something always felt off about the time, about whatever circumstances I was sitting in the middle of…until recently. I never wanted to force The Thing though, because by it’s very nature it can’t thrive if forced, if in any way rushed or coerced or taken advantage of…it would die. But for the first time, The Thing started whispering to me that it was ready to come out now. And I held you in my arms, and I wondered if it really was time.

You locked eyes with me.

And with those two endless eyes of yours, you told me that yes, in fact, it was.

And I believed you.

Posted in Rexley 2 Comments

this was the week of your first real gut wrenching, heart breaking cry. it took me surprise and for a second, I didn’t know what to do. my breath caught in my chest and I started to sing you the lullaby I’ve always sung to your brother, the one he falls asleep to every night before bed. immediately you calmed down and your eyes never left my face. by the time I was done, you had fallen asleep with your hand tucked under your chin and your fingers curled around mine.

you and your brother…the only two people in the world who like the sound of my singing.

Posted in Rexley No comments

In the middle of a monday, in the middle of a soft black sheet on the floor of a sun drenched room, two boys lay staring up at a camera. one squirmed and smiled, waved his little fists in the air. the other gave him kisses, rested his cheek to his, held his hand and watched his every move. for a few minutes in the middle of a monday there was no crying, no screaming, no scolding or fussing….no falling, no barking, no chaos, no messes.

and their mother, she was happy.

Posted in Brigsby, Rexley 6 Comments

I listened to Big Jet Plane over and over and over again the day I had you. I gritted my teeth and and tried to crawl inside that song, away from my body, away from the pain…imagining that you were there inside the music, that I was singing it to you.

It came on the other day and I watched you while you slept, whispering the words to you in your dreams.

Gonna hold ya

Gonna kiss ya,

in my arms.

Gonna take ya

away from harm…

Posted in Rexley 1 Comment

we went to the doctor today and you didn’t cry once. not when they weighed you, not when the doctor touched you withe her cold, unfamiliar hands. not when she shined light in your eyes, not when she listened to your heartbeat. you were so perfect. and so big.

you weigh 11 lbs 1 oz now and you’re 23.3 inches long.

your legs are getting chubby, right at the thighs. when you were born, I would hold you curled up on my chest and I would rub your back with the tips of my fingers. and when I did, you reminded me of a tiny bulldog, a puppy with lots of skin to fill out and grow into…skin that rippled in waves all the way to the nape of your neck. and when it got bunched up, I would smooth it out again and start all over.

I was rubbing your back last night and when I trailed my hand up to smooth out the skin, I realized I didn’t need to.

and I held you longer than usual.

the days are going by quickly and they’re taking my newborn with them.

Posted in Rexley No comments

this was the week where you looked up at me and studied my eyes quite critically for a minute before a smile devoured every part of your face. A smile so big that your eyes squeezed shut. A smile that was meaningful, purposeful.  A smile that was meant for me.

And then I gave you eskimo kisses.

Posted in Rexley 1 Comment

we went to the doctor today and he already weighs 9 lbs 15 oz and has grown 1.3 inches.

he’s so good. so good. he only cries when he’s hungry and he sleeps well all night. we thought B was a good baby, but Rex has already shown him up.

B adores him. He brings him toys and is constantly trying to give him kisses and pet him and be close to him. The hardest part has been B seeing me give another baby so much attention…but we’re dealing with it. Taking them both out by myself isn’t as scary as I thought it would be, either. we brought him home and life kept going. surprise, surprise.

the plan for these photos is to do one each week of him in the same 18 month onesie…so at the end of the year he’ll have grown into it. and then I’m making a video. and it will be awesome.

Posted in Rexley 5 Comments