Once upon a time, I was a magicians assistant. My solo trick involved making a duck appear in a tray of fire. There were two of us. We were called the Moxie Twins. We wore fishnets and corsets and fake eyelashes. We practiced in a crumbling theatre with dim lights, musty velvet curtains, and rain snaking down the walls from the cracks in the ceiling and windows. I wanted to live in that old theatre. After our big show, the magician gave me my handbook and promised me that I would be sawn in half at the next show. But I couldn’t do the next show, and then I was pregnant…and then life started happening and I never stepped foot in that theatre again. But this is my handbook. It’s what I have left, even if it is outright bizarre.
1. if you lose an earring back, break the eraser off a pencil and stick that on the back. 2 if you need rhinestone earrings and forgot them, don’t panic. Use sequins and eyelash glue, and simply glue a sequin to your ear. 3. fishnets look better on stage than stockings or tights. if you do wear stockings or tights, stay away from the shimmery ones; they make your legs look bigger. if you are one of those strange people that actually wants their legs to look bigger, then disregard everything I said. 4. if your costume reveals your midriff, cut off about half of the elastic waistband on your tights. the full elastic gives the appearance of love handles no matter how skinny you are. if your tights show above your waistband, sew a hook on the front and back of your bottoms facing down. that way you can fold your tights down and the hook will hold them there.
5. if you wear the same pair of shoes in every show, go to a shoe repair and invest in heel braces (less than $20). these will be nailed on the shoe and will prevent your heel from breaking off, thus making your shoes last longer. this does not apply to flats. 6. if your shoes are slippery, the shoe repair store can put rubber soles on for you. don’t use the stick-them-on-yourself kind; they come off easily. 7. got a run in your stockings? grab your clear nail polish and apply it on the ends of the run. the polish will help prevent the run from getting any bigger. 8. if your costume has hooks and eyes, and one of the eyes falls off, out a safety pin through where the eye was and hook the hook onto that. this is only a temporary fix. don’t leave safety pins in costumes any longer than necessary; they can pop out and prick you. This usually happens at the worst moments on stage. 9. Downy Wrinkle Releaser works when there’s no outlet or time for a steamer.
And there you have it.
Gems of advice that could only come from the mouth of Pam Thompson herself.
original photo found here